Category: Panic Attacks

A while ago, I started waking up every morning mid-panic attack. You too? What a coincidence!

My go-to morning routine over the years has typically been to:

1. wake up
2. get some coffee
3. go sit at my computer and work

That strategy had its pros and cons and while I answered a lot of email, I also one time woke up in the middle of the night and found that I had somehow gotten up, opened up my laptop, and was staring at the screen.

Since then, I’ve tried different morning routines with varied success, but I really had to step up my game once the panic attacks started waking me up.

For example:

• drink a glass of water (impossible somehow first thing in the morning)
• drink tea instead of coffee (I am, against all odds, somehow managing to do this)
• 10 minute meditation, outside if it’s not too cold or rainy or smoke-filled (I use the 10% happier app)
• 10 minute yoga (I use the Peloton app)
• 5 minutes writing about how I feel today (this really works and somehow is very hard to actually sit down and do)
• Refill the bird bath and bird feeder
• Water the garden
• Walk around outside (as a counterpoint to the rest of my day spent sitting at my computer)
• Morning skin care (sunscreen?)
• Smoothie and vitamins?

You can see the problem, right? This was sort of doable when the sun came up early and I woke up at 5:30am but now that it gets light at 7am, I can’t imagine doing any of that in the dark. And soon it will still be dark at 8am so I’ll have to move all my zoom calls to noon to get it all in.

I did already set a hard limit of no zoom calls before 9am but I’m not sure about noon.

Also, all of this is way harder than scrolling Twitter and TikTok for some reason.

Here’s the thing though. When I do it, it’s pretty amazing. Although then I think, well sure. How great would I feel if I just did this all day? I mean, until I couldn’t pay my mortgage.

One thing I could try is something I used to do years ago after the “woke up to doing email” incident — actually take breaks! I know, revolutionary. I would set a timer for 90 minutes, then do a 5 minute walking meditation. I was so dedicated to it than once when I was leading an all-day training workshop, I invited anyone in the class who wanted to do it with me (and I had several takers!).

Right now, when I need a work break, I do the dishes or fold some laundry. Or, let’s be honest, scroll TikTok.

So, that’s the goal for today: remember to take breaks and use them to go outside and breathe. Seems impossible, but I’ll try it. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I got a jury duty summons last week. A jury duty summons! My county’s health department is sending out all of these notices: stay home! don’t be around people! definitely don’t be indoors with other people! And then also they send me a notice that I’m legally required to be indoors with lots of other people.

No thank you.

I had to schedule a six month follow up mammogram due to some abnormal results at my last one and after I made the appointment, I had a panic attack and then called back to cancel. Then I had a session with my therapist and talked through how putting myself at risk of missing early cancer detection was probably a worse risk than putting myself at risk of COVID by going to a medical facility. Probably?

And yet the county expects I’m somehow able to serve on jury duty when I’m barely able to get a cancer screening?

Also, why now universe? I have gotten exactly two jury duty summons’ in my life. In 47 years. And the third comes during a global pandemic?

How are we going around in the world as if everything is normal when nothing is normal and there’s a global pandemic and every interaction is a possible death sentence?

I went to my mammogram appointment yesterday (they think everything is fine) and there was so much traffic. People were everywhere. Every interaction a possible death sentence.

What’s wrong with us?

I checked the counties around mine and they are not conducting jury trials right now. If trials are so important, figure out how to do them over Zoom.

Anyway, I tried to find out what happens to me if I refuse to do it. Because I’m not going to do it. There’s absolutely no way I can do it. I spent the first six weeks of the pandemic unable to eat or sleep and threw up every single day (by which I mean I mostly had dry heaves since I wasn’t eating) and mostly spent my time hyperventilating.

But I don’t want to not do it and then get thrown in jail because that would definitely be worse in terms of possible COVID exposure inside a building. I’m willing to pay a fine though. Even a really large one.

In the tiny space they give you on the form to mail back (it’s a space for maybe five words; the form makes absolutely no sense), I said I couldn’t do it because of the panic attacks. I wouldn’t make a very good juror if I was hyperventilating and throwing up the whole time. I didn’t have enough room on the form to say all of that though so I typed it up on a piece of paper and taped it to the form.

I wrote that I literally haven’t been inside any buildings other than medical facilities since March 1st (this is true). I wanted to say that they were being reckless by forcing citizens to congregate together inside during a global pandemic that spreads through the air circulating in a building when people are talking. But I figured whoever was reading the form wouldn’t care about my more fundamental concerns.

So now I wait. Well, wait and have more panic attacks. And make apocalypse purchases. Who would have thought that one day we’d be shopping at Bloomingdale’s for face shields, but here we are.